I had two really strange dreams last night. One of them consisted of the One-Armed Man from Twin Peaks and he was actually BOB. We were at my house and he was lurking around and all of our food we were trying to eat kept being turned disgusting and spoiling. I had no idea what to do and I was getting really upset about it and that’s about where that one ended.

The next one was kinda a mix between the Hunger Games and The Cabin In The Woods. Sigourney Weaver was there as well as Samuel L. Jackson. It was me and a bunch of people I knew or kinda knew. We were at a long table and being forced to play this game to appease the gods. At one point we had to roll dice and the winner had to kill the loser. It was so upsetting to me, I couldn’t do it. Then I got up and we were in a bus and I took a gun over to Samuel L. Jackson and yelled at him that I wasn’t going to roll a die and kill someone and that it was stupid. Then I shot him. Then I went to the bus driver and I shot her and she shot me. It was so weird and I was glad to wake up.

Home.

I love where I live

And I’d like to think

That where I live loves me too.

For all of the wonderful things

It has shown me and the feelings

It evokes in me.

I am forever in debt to this place.

Where I live has molded me into

Who I am today,

And helped me to stay grounded.

And although I haven’t done anything

To make me get a big head or a big ego,

I think that if I ever get to that point

All I have to do is wander into my backyard

For an hour or two and I’ll realize

How infinitely small I am compared

To the vastness of what lies just beyond

The tree-line.

And god forbid if I ever forget

Where I came from,

All I need to do is stick out

My hand

And the landscape of this place

Will come flooding back.

All of the hills that I’ve climbed

And the forests I’ve wandered through

Will forever mean more to me

Than any place I’ll ever live.

And when I’m gone away from here,

If I’m ever homesick

I need only close my eyes

And I’ll travel back to the

Only place that’s ever felt right.

Back on the roads I know

Like the back of my hand.

I could trace the topography

In my mind and I know every line.

But I don’t need to worry about

Forgetting or getting homesick

Because home is where the heart is,

So mine will always be with me

Everywhere I go.

State of Mind

I tried sleeping off the days,

But it just made the nights

More unbearable.

I tried sleeping through the nights,

But the days became even longer.

Every week I told myself

I’m going to try to be better.

Weeks turned into days.

Days turned into hours.

And the hours turned into minutes.

I hounded myself every moment

Of every day,

Telling myself that if I didn’t get

Better

I would be done with myself.

I was my own problem

And my own solution.

I wallowed in my own self-pity.

I dug my own grave and was

Ready to lie in it.

I became cynical.

Too blinded by the hate

I harbored for myself

And everyone around me,

I couldn’t see

The answer I was looking for.

Or maybe

I didn’t let myself see it.

After enough time,

My own lies became

My truths.

And I lived by them.

I built myself up

Just to beat myself down again.

I was a house

And my thoughts were the fire.

Consumed by them every day

And at night I laid my head to rest

In the ashes.

Eventually,

It all became too much.

I didn’t enjoy hating myself

Even though I told myself otherwise.

I didn’t enjoy shutting myself in

Even though I told myself I should.

I didn’t enjoy being sad.

Happiness isn’t a destination,

It’s a state of mind.

A state of mind was what I was looking

For all along.

Anxiety & Regret

I know I need to learn

To push my troubles

To the side and worry less,

But every day they

Line up one by one

In front of me

And state their case 

And why they’re going to stay.

I feel helpless as they either

Yell or quietly whisper

“I’m going to take over your life.”

And I seem to lose my voice

And can’t even find a “fuck off,”

For them.

By the end of the day

There’s a single-file line behind me

And they call themselves

“Regrets.”

But I could take them on

Two by two or 

Three by three or

All at once

Because at this point

I’m just trying to get to sleep.

I think that being alone after enough time, one starts to look at things differently.

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The way I don’t know enough words to explain the way I feel or the stories that I have in my mind, is one of the most troubling problems I have. I know, though, that if I had the right words and a larger vocabulary, that I would want even better words than those. And so goes the problem of always wanting more. I don’t know if that’s human nature to always be wanting and grabbing for more, but I don’t like it. I don’t want to want, but at the same time I want to have just enough.

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Someone take care of me, please? I think I’m getting sick (which never happens), and I’m losing my voice. My awesome immune system is failing me. Sad face.

We can watch movies.

Just got back from the Soo. It was pretty nice. I bought a pound and a half of fudge from Fudge Du Lockes, I think it is. A pound of peanut butter cups and a half pound of cookies and cream. Then, I went over to Gateway Gifts and bought a Upper Peninsula coffee cup and a shot glass. Also, a cute girl checked me out at the register. And I learned that there aren’t any skateshops in the Soo. That was disappointing.