Just got back from an awesome little skate sesh. on campus. Landing a bunch of tricks, getting it all back right before the snow comes, haha.

Hey Now!

I can’t wait until tomorrow night or even for tomorrow after work, for that matter. Gonna go get a haircut and then enjoy myself with the company of my friends. I need this break from work and school and everything. I’m gonna feel like awesome sauce.

It feels like I haven’t written anything in a long time, but really I think it’s only been a couple days.

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Everyone around me

Seems to be growing up

While I just feel like

I’m growing old.

I don’t want to

Need a sign to

Show me that

I’m doing this all right.

I’m doing this right.

I won’t grow old

While everyone I know grows up.

Peter Pan complex

‘Til the day I die.

Youth culture forever.

What What!

This is exactly what I thought of when I thought of growing up, when I was 18. That pit in the stomach feeling, not knowing what’s going to happen next. I’m just feeling anxious because of the uncertainty of everything. But all of that is in the future, and I can worry about it when it comes along. I should be living in the present because that’s where I am, and when I remind myself of that I gain a little peace even if it’s just for a little while. My mind is always going, always thinking, coming up with all of these ideas and scenarios whether they be positive or negative. It’s like when you see someone you like for the first time, and I don’t mean lust, I mean really, really like, like you know you’re meant to be with them. You picture how your life would play out with them in it, all in a few seconds it just flashes through your mind, but it’s all so vivid. And it creates this nervous anxiousness because there’s part of your mind that believes that it’ll all happen the way it “should,” but then there’s another part that sees everything ending before it starts.

I remember being in counseling, and my counselor had me go through exercises to relax. She would have me visualize different things, and she was surprised at how quickly I could do it. She said I thought in pictures. I had no idea what this meant because it’s always been natural to me. I’m a visual thinker. I have a difficult time comprehending what that even means. I never knew that there were other ways to think like Language-based thinking. I don’t know why it’s such a hard concept to wrap my head around, but it is. I don’t understand my own mind, and that’s enough for me because I think not knowing is more entertaining. It leaves questions that I can try to answer. I’m definitely going to do more research on Visual thinking and Language-based thinking. The mind is a wonderful thing to explore.

Warped Tour

Seeing all the posts about Warped Tour, and being bummed out because I’m not going this year. On the date I would be going, I’m just gonna sit in my room and cry and listen to the bands I would’ve seen.

Sleep

My sleeping schedule has become a series of naps spread out through the day. I blame this on working two overnight shifts that probably messed up my sleeping cycle. I have work at 6:00am, but I already took a nap around 11:00am this morning, and 3:00pm today. It was something like that. I have to be up at 4:30am, so I’ll probably take another short nap between now and then. I think I need to force myself to stay awake during the day, so I can get to sleep at night.

Perkin’s

I know it may sound a little stupid, but I am legitimately going to miss the Perkin’s in my hometown. The memories I’ve had there are some of the best I have. Hanging out with friends, drinking coffee and having “Coke-a-thons,” on Friday nights; it was the best. I know it may not seem like that big of a deal, but I guess that’s how it goes. Some of the smallest things have the most sentimental value.

I heard a Culvers is replacing it. Another “family,” restaurant, but it won’t be the same.

Just found out the Perkins in my hometown is closing. No more Coke-a-thons. I am sad.

Stuff.

What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I ask myself these questions a lot. I’m twenty years old, and let’s face it, I haven’t exactly lived those twenty years to the fullest. I spent most of 8th through 11th grade playing video games and not much else. I spent the rest of 11th through my freshman year of college being sad. I’ve wasted so much time, and I do regret it, but really it’s no use dwelling on the past unless one intends on learning from it. It’s sort of upsetting that it takes these experiences (some of them not so positive), to make us realize something that we should have know all along.

I tried reading Thoreau, but only got through about a page or so, but what I got out of what I read was that the whole of all human knowledge is stored in everyone, but it takes experience to bring it all out. Thinking about it in that way, it makes sense that we have to go through these things in order to give ourselves that “duh,” moment, telling ourselves that we should have know it all along.

I’ve seen a quote that something like “I regret that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live.” It’s true, but I’m sure that even if we had another life after this one, we’d still want more time. Do what you can with the time you have, and die restless. Never say “I’ve learned enough.” To stop learning is to die. I think it’s important that I (and everyone), never stop wanting to learn and grow and become something better.

When I was younger my idea of growing up and becoming an adult is that it just kind of happened. One minute you’re a kid and the next you’re an adult. There was never any transitionary phase. As I got older I realized how naive an idea that really is. It’s like planting a seed and expecting a tree to grow overnight. Every little thing is a learning experience no matter how small it is or how insignificant you may think it is.

Don’t waste time being angry, that’s what those younger years are for. Don’t take things for granted, appreciate everything even the things that may get on your nerves. Be open minded, but have your own convictions you’d be willing to stand up for.

Whenever I write I can’t help but feel that I’m just jaded and I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but at the same time this is what I believe in. Maybe I should just have more faith in what I say.

Whatever.

Back when I used to go to counseling I remember telling my counselor that I liked to make people laugh. She stopped me and told me that I don’t really do that. She said that people choose to laugh or feel a certain emotion. I struggled with it, and it was like being denied something as a child. I just felt like my ego was bruised. It’s true, though, you can only feel what you allow yourself to feel. Now, when I see posts or hear people say they like to make people laugh, I just think to myself “No you don’t. People feel what they let themselves feel.” It’s ingrained in my mind, that that’s how it goes. It makes me feel anxious like there’s a weight on my chest when I think about how people forget that they’re the one’s who control their emotions. I think there’s a quote about it too, something like “No one can make you feel inadequate, without your permission.” It’s along those lines. 

If someone says something mean or unkind to you, and you feel upset or mad, it’s because you’re allowing yourself to feel that way. Sure, it isn’t “right,” that they did it, but in the end you’re the one who has to deal with it, so I feel like it’s just easier to shrug it off and go on with your life. On the other end, allow yourself to laugh and be happy. It’s a positive thing.

I think that was another thing, that I shouldn’t use the words “good,” or “bad,” because those are relative terms. They mean something different to every person. It’s better to use “positive,” and “negative.” But then again, those seem kind of relative too. I suppose almost all terms are, though.